The Green Eyed Monster

I've spent the past 5 months reflecting on the idea of jealousy. What brought this particular emotion to the forefront for me? My younger sister announced that she was pregnant. Now, I won't get into all the dysfuntional family fun that accompanies every single event, action, and topic that occurs on my side of the family. But at some point, it was suggested that my sis should 'watch out for' myself and my DH because we would be jealous of her normal, healthy baby.


After the pain from that comment subsided, I've had a lot of time to think about why someone would assume that I couldn't just be happy for another person, especially a sister, having a healthy child.


Of all the emotions that surround having a severly disabled child, jealousy that others have healthy children is one that I hadn't ever considered. Why isn't it enough for me to just be happy to HAVE my daughter still in my life.


There are times when I have a really difficult time with 'typical' child stuff. Christmas is rough when we watch our nephews opening gifts and getting excited about new toys, knowing that our family's gifts for our child will likely be clothing and gift cards, knowing that our daughter doesn't comprehend that Christmas is different than any other day. Other children's birthday parties are even worse.


But these are not times of jealousy, but of grieving for what we have lost.


It's times like these that I am forcefully reminded that my family will never understand the depth of our love for our daughter and what it really means to be a parent to a truly special child. Why can't they see that caring for our daughter is not, nor has it ever been, a burden. That I am the person that I am today because of her, not in spite of her. I have lived through things I would have never been able to imagine that I could survive (and I know in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind that there will be more, and likely worse, times like these to come). I have known what it is to feel truly helpless, to be stared at for being different, to hear strangers whisper terrible things about my child.

But the joys are even greater. Seeing my child smile again after a near-fatal illness. Hearing her laugh for the first time. The unconditional love that she provides. Meeting amazing parents from all over the world, brought together by our children. Being given opportunites that I had never imagined would be possible. But I digress....

My daughter is such an amazing gift. I simply wish that others, especially my family, could have a glimpse of what I truly feel for her. Perhaps then they would understand why jealousy is not the problem.

More than a year.....

Wow, it's been a long time since I thought about blogging. As you can see, I'm not a very good writer. I'm not terribly original or creative. I'm not very motivated and it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to actually publish my thoughts on the blog. Seriously, you wouldn't believe how many half finished posts I have sitting in my drafts folder. Perhaps it's because I only feel the need to put my thoughts in writing when I'm at a crossroads in life? Perhaps it's because I'm already blogging regularly on a site about my daughter (that no one really reads anyway). I don't know, I'm probably thinking way too hard about this.

I find that I get very emotional this time of the year, so that's likely related to this resurgence of the need to write things down. During this month last year, I sat with a dear friend in her son's PICU room watching him slip away from us and eventually earn his wings. During this week three years ago, I sat in a PICU room with my own daughter watching her struggle to recover from multiple brain surgeries that we hoped would save her life.

/sigh, just more of my silly ramblings.